I feel like if I were to kill myself it would be appropriation. Like I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons, for selfish reasons (as if there are non selfish reasons to commit suicide). I obfuscate my real identity in favor of The Sufferer. Because The Sufferer at least gets sympathy in his death. The Sufferer knows something no one else does, and they all know it, and they understand that they can’t understand. But you need to possess capital in order for people to believe you. The scars need to be visible, the marks present, the blood fresh enough that although it has dried, when you scrape against the clots they mush together and become a sort of slimy semifluid. I’ve never tried to kill myself. No matter how much I’ve wished I could just escape from everything, I’ve had an irrational sense for self preservation. I am afraid to die. Death is beyond nothing, because nothing is only understood in the context of our understanding of a nothing. It isn’t a nothing, it’s just nothing. I would not miss life if I died, I would not feel anything at all. I would not be sad or scared. There would be no I to experience any pain at all. And while that is true with happiness as well, it’s not like lack of happiness is itself what causes pain. It’s our reaction to such – this is why we fear death only up through our final breath. But because only a living person is able to take their own consciousness, as long as that fear is present, we will be stuck in limbo. It is the arrangement of least suffering to not be, yet we can only not be after having been, and while we are we’re too primitive to renounce our arbitrary fear of nothing.
It was 7 pm when he lost his head
Oh, I just want to be found dead
I can have such hatred in my heart and such complacency as well. Nothing I do or say is in isolation. I’m writing this to be read – that’s why I care about the formatting and the italics and the sentence structure and it’s why I’ve edited the text as I go along to make it more intelligible. I mean honestly fuck that. Fuck living a story so that it is read one day. Go for the jugular and don’t look back.